It is not a secret that the past couple of months have been tough physically for me with being sick, they have been nothing compared to the last week. I would describe myself as being a person who feels everything 10x as deep as most people. Some people would say that I am too sensitive or that I am dramatic, but I have come to not only accept this part of me but also, to recognize it as my strength. I think it was Meryl Streep who said something like, the things that others people find weird or different about you, is what your strength is in this world. I spent so much of my life, especially the last couple of years trying to change myself and to be more like other people. I thought that this would bring me more friends and in turn make me happier. But in the last 2.5 months I have let go of all of that. Instead of fighting who I really am, I embraced it. This means that I am way more connected to the few friends that I do have, that our friendships are much deeper and I am able to be 100% connected to them and there for them. I love this about myself.
This also means that when one of my friends goes through something, I feel like a part of myself is going through it too. In the past 5 days there have been 2 significant losses in my world. Both parents of friends of mine. My heart breaks for these two people and their families who have lost these special people. It seems somewhat inexplicable. I struggle because I cannot really understand what they are feeling or going through. I try to put myself in their position for even one moment and it is too painful for me. I try to imagine what it is like to lose my mom or dad and I can't bare it. They are my entire world, my pillars, my strength, my heart, my heroes. That is exactly the kind of relationship that my two friends had with their parents whom they lost and I just wish that i could pick them up and carry them through this terrible ordeal. I struggle because I do not know what to say, what is the right thing to say? I know it may seem like I am making it about myself, but I am only writing about what I know and what I feel. I wish I could write about how I know how to make them feel better or how to help them through this, but I cannot and this upsets me. As a friend, I want to be the friend that is there all of the time and that is accountable, reliable and compassionate. I want my friends to know how much they mean to me and I want to be able to show them that. But in tis situation, I am at a loss. So that is where my mind is on this.
I would like to at some point, put into words how I feel about what happened on Friday. But, there is so much to it, that I do not even know where to begin at this point. All I can say for now is that I am sad for our world. I am sad that I live in a world where so many people are lost, confused and hurting. I do not know where the answers lie, but I certainly hope that soon, we as a world can find them.
In the midst of all of this, I have had an ongoing struggle in my own family, where a family is very ill. He's very special to me, although I feel like I do not express that to him enough or show him that enough. I am frustrated with myself. He has been sick for a while. I realized earlier this year that I needed to make more time for my grandparents, just to call them and catch up with them every week. But I feel like that is not enough. Those phone calls are not memories, or are they? When the time comes, heaven forbid, will I have contributed to their life as much as they have to mine? I feel guilty for not being able to carve out more time for all of the people in my life, to be there in person and not simply over the phone or through e-mails. How do you make time for everything and everyone in life? I feel like there isn't enough of me. These people never complain, never stop loving me and are always there for me when I need them- but I don't feel like I have returned those same things to them. I am scared that I am so wrapped up in school, work and business that I am not making meaningful memories that will be so much more important down the road than anything that I am putting my energy into right now. Does anyone else feel this way?
I am sorry to have verbal diarrhea but this is my space. My space where I can be myself and a space to give my feelings a home. I appreciate any of you who read any of this and I promise I will be back soon with a style related post. If any of you out there are going through something that is hurting your heart, I pray for you. I hope that peace finds you in some way and that your soul is on its way to healing. I would be happy to pray for you personally if you want to leave a comment or said me an e-mail. We are all human and we all go through hardships. We are each others best friends and need to be there to love one another.